One-liners

"I have CDO; it's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order ... as they should be."

They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!

Mary glared at me

Pa rumpa pum pum,

Me and my drum.

Did you know, chocolate makes your clothes shrink!?

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

Regarding "Descriptions:"

This fact is clear to those who know it.

Regarding "Descriptions:"

Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

Show me an honest man and I'll show you a man who tells the truth.

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

No matter where you go, there you are.

My kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

My boss said, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have;"

now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.

Billion dollar idea: a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, "I'm just cooking!"

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!

I might wake up early and go running ... but I also might win the lottery; the odds are about the same.