One-liners

Sometimes my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

I don't mean to brag, but ... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

"I never called you stupid; but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state, it just kind of caught me off guard."

I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD; I don't have it, I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.

Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.

I used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Often when one door closes and another door opens ... you're in prison.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you;" and that's why I weigh myself in the mornings.

I just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.