One-liners

An atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a coffee shop... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

My bank has a new service where they will text you your balance; it's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end.

If Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No" ... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"

Saw some goober at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological - one is Psycho and the other is Logical; now please don't try to figure out Who is Who.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn" ... stupid firemen.

I wish I were a glow worm,
a glow worm's never glum;
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?!

I hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up 2 letters and your whole post is urined.

If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars.

"There's a sleeping person; let's go ask it questions," say children everywhere!

What doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

The "Flat Earth Society" has members all around the globe.

Now say that again, slowly.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.