I grew up living paycheck to paycheck; but through hard work, time and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Do you love me because I am beautiful or am I beautiful because you love me?
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day ... when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.
My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.
My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.
I want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.
- Richard Nixon
If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
When I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.
- George Burns
I'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.