One-liners

Advice #1: 

No one can complain who has not been lost and never heard of again.

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

- Mitch Hedberg

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I like to play blackjack; I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

- Mitch Hedberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."

- Fran Lebowitz

Another World's Oldest Man has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

My dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!" 

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

The hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest!

You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.

I hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.