One-liners

I like to make lists; I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and guess what's on them while I'm at the store. Anyone else like to do that too?

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people's carts when they're not looking.

I wanted to go jogging this morning but Proverbs 28:1 says "the wicked run when no one is chasing them," so there goes that.

What's it like having a toddler?

Imagine raising a heavily caffeinated chimpanzee who is allergic to sleep.

Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

I wonder if the queen gets into bed, pulls the duvet up to her neck and says, "Look, Phillip, I'm a stamp!"

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck; but through hard work, time and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

Do you love me because I am beautiful or am I beautiful because you love me?

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentines Day ... when I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a medieval weapon.

My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.

My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.

I want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.

- Richard Nixon

If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.