One-liners

I have something to say, but I don't know what.

Whenever I look for something, it's always in the last place I look.

What keeps me going is my inertia.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFERS from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn't cheating on my diet; maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

How to parallel park:

Park somewhere else.

The human brain is amazing; it functions 24/7 from the day we're born and only stops when you're taking a test or speaking to someone attractive.

Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is called John.

I didn't hear that!

She ran the gamut of emotions - from A to B.

The solution makes the problem more difficult.

Anyone who reads this is illiterate!