One-liners

Rehab is for quitters!

Profanity sucks.

Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator!

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.

I have a twin brother - he's identical, but I am not.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Descriptions:

The pirate skeletons at Disneyland are very life-like.

Definitions:

A reactionary is a man who wants to face the past with confidence.

Definitions:

A university is a community in which people make a living by taking in each other's brainwashing.

Definitions:

Inflation is an economic device by which each man can make more than the next.

Definitions

Monism is the theory that anything less than everything is nothing.

Definitions:

That is that word which should be used instead of which.