One-liners

I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint: 

"Clint Eastward."

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought ... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

Be nice to your hairstylist because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene? Nothing.

One day, Canada will take over the world; then you'll all be sorry.

Been on a diet for two weeks and all I lost is 14 days.

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said, "Have you tried euthanasia?" and in the background, my mom yelled, "For the last time, it's echinacea!"

The future isn't what it used to be.

I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

If Facebook has taught us anything, it's that a lot of you are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.

I look both ways before crossing a one-way street; that's how little faith I have in humanity!

If I had a dollar for every time I used algebra in my adult life, I'd have 'n' dollars.

"Oh, the majesty of French Justice, which forbids rich and poor, alike, to sleep on park benches!"

- Anatole France

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."

- Edward Abbey

Self-Annihilating Sentences

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.