One-liners

When I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.

- George Burns

I'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

- Mitch Hedberg

Free advice is worth what you paid for it.

As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Honk if you love peace and quiet!

On the 90th day of Christmas, my true love said to me: "You take Christmas too seriously."

Advice #7:

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

- W.C. Fields

Advice #6

Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.

Advice #5:

Research administrators should support artificial intelligence; after all, what have they to lose?

Advice #4:

Be realistic; ask the impossible!

Advice #3:

If you don't' know, why ask?

Advice #2:

It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.