Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Always try to be modest ... and be proud of it!
Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
Laughter is the best medicine - unless you have diarrhea.
Anyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Walkie-talkies neither walk nor talk; they should be called holdie-noisies.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I told my parents they're famous now. I asked my dad who should play him in the movie and his answer did not disappoint:
"Clint Eastward."
My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"
I thought ... "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."
Be nice to your hairstylist because what's stopping them from plucking one of your hairs and putting it at a crime scene? Nothing.
One day, Canada will take over the world; then you'll all be sorry.
Been on a diet for two weeks and all I lost is 14 days.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said, "Have you tried euthanasia?" and in the background, my mom yelled, "For the last time, it's echinacea!"