"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Another World's Oldest Man has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.
My dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!"
One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
The hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.
The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest!
You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
I hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.
An atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a coffee shop... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.
My bank has a new service where they will text you your balance; it's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end.
If Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No" ... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"
Saw some goober at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological - one is Psycho and the other is Logical; now please don't try to figure out Who is Who.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.