One-liners

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Ninety percent of being married is just shouting "What?" from other rooms.

They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog ready to vomit; nothing makes me jump out of bed faster ...

If you say "GULLIBLE" slowly it sounds like "ORANGES."

Choose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

One-liner Advice: It's a great activity for someone who doesn't have to do it.

One-liner Advice: You should get in on the ground floor before the program gets off the ground.

One-liner Advice: Survival is important, but don't stake your life on it.

One-liner Advice: Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.

One-liner Advice: The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

- W.C. Fields

One-liner Advice: It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

One-liner Advice: Every ambitious man should be modest.

Another "World's Oldest Man" has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.

So, apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.