One-liners

I'm as good at making similes as someone who is really good at making similes.

I wonder how long it will take this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him?

The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"

Sometimes my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

I don't mean to brag, but ... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

"I never called you stupid; but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state, it just kind of caught me off guard."

I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD; I don't have it, I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.

Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.

I used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Often when one door closes and another door opens ... you're in prison.