One-liners

One-liner Advice: Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.

One-liner Advice: The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

- W.C. Fields

One-liner Advice: It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.

One-liner Advice: Every ambitious man should be modest.

Another "World's Oldest Man" has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.

So, apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes ...

"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

- Nora Ephron

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

- Robert A. Heinlein

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

- Sue Murphy

"I'm an expert on Chinese food; when I eat it I only use one chopstick."

- George Burns

I'm as good at making similes as someone who is really good at making similes.

I wonder how long it will take this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him?

The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"