One-liners

If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie; after a while it won't feel like you're alone anymore.

You can't make everyone happy; you are not pizza.

Choose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be ... turns out this is called identity theft.

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.

- Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I know a lot about cars; I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

- Mitch Hedberg

You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.