One-liners

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now ... what should I do?

The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

Deep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

I don't run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.

I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven't met yet.

I'm not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

If Mom says "No," ask Nana;

if Nana says "No," ... who are we kidding?? Nana never says "No!"

Don't wear headphones while vacuuming; I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.

The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical - and whatever you do, don't try to figure out Who is Who.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately!

I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop; he just sat there drinking his coffee ... like a psychopath.

Auto-correct can be so flippant annotating.

Always keep a book with you at all times in case of an emergency; you know, like social gatherings.