One-liners

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes ...

"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."

- Nora Ephron

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

- Robert A. Heinlein

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

- Sue Murphy

"I'm an expert on Chinese food; when I eat it I only use one chopstick."

- George Burns

I'm as good at making similes as someone who is really good at making similes.

I wonder how long it will take this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him?

The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"

Sometimes my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

I don't mean to brag, but ... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

"I never called you stupid; but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state, it just kind of caught me off guard."