One-liners

Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn" ... stupid firemen.

I wish I were a glow worm,
a glow worm's never glum;
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?!

I hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up 2 letters and your whole post is urined.

If I had a dollar for every time I've used algebra in my adult life, I'd have "n" dollars.

"There's a sleeping person; let's go ask it questions," say children everywhere!

What doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

The "Flat Earth Society" has members all around the globe.

Now say that again, slowly.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

Ninety percent of being married is just shouting "What?" from other rooms.

They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog ready to vomit; nothing makes me jump out of bed faster ...

If you say "GULLIBLE" slowly it sounds like "ORANGES."

Choose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.