One-liners

"I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to, I might fall down."

- George Burns

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of?

I wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room ... because that's who I usually need a break from.

"Wow! That butterfly's gonna be HUGE!" said the first person to find a mummy.

I finally found a diet plan that works; it's called "The Cost of Food."

If you love something, let it go: unless it's balloons.

Six ways I plan to overcome procrastination:

1.

If I was a mortician I'd tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.

My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home and forgetting things.

One of the 'World's Strongest Man' events should be "Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together."

Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... how did 2 sticks win out!?

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."

We all think we're pretty smart until we try to turn on someone else's shower.

The cool part about naming your kid is you don't have to add 6 numbers to make sure the name is available.