One-liners

So I just read Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine; apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $10 cup of coffee.

My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills.

I misplaced my thesaurus and feel terrible; just terrible, really terrible.

I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee this morning with Red Bull instead of water.  I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his head.

"I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses."

So apparently the security guard at Safeway didn't believe that life gave me that lemon.

Just once it'd be nice to hear the word "sir," without it immediately being followed by,"you're making a scene."

When the moon hits your eye,

like a big pizza pie ...

that's a lawsuit.

The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions."

I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?

"If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die?"
- Chickens

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey, that one looks like an idiot!"