One-liners

I just wanna have abs…olutely all the pasta and breadsticks.

If owls are so smart, how come they don't say, "Whom"?

The cops came to my door today to say that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, but I told them they had the wrong house because my dog doesn't own a bike!

The five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.

Your mind needs exercise just as much as your body does: that's why I think of jogging everyday.

Here, let me show you how to micromanage.

I hate it when I think that I'm buying "Organic" vegetables, but when I get home they're just regular donuts.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon: I’ll let you know...

If you have to tell me what the rules are, at least use proper grammar....Thems the rules.

Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap 8 people at a time.

What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question and a joke?

"I'm probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club."

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.