One-liners

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider’s web.

If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room in which it is located.

My pillow is my hair stylist.

If I don't clean my home soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Febreeze commercial.

I can't believe all the singles in my area that want to meet me - it's probably because of all the iPads I've won!

The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.

"Indescribable" sure has a lot of words.

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can - that's almost $7.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein

Silence is Golden unless you have a toddler; then, silence is just suspicious.

Last night I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome; at first I hated it, but halfway through I never wanted it to end.

"Jet lag is nature's way of making sure you look like your passport photo."

I would like to join whatever weight loss program my wallet is on because its working wonders.

"Men say that women should come with instructions, but have you ever seen a man read instructions?"

"A lot of people cry when they chop onions, but the trick is not to form an emotional bond."

"Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight."
- The Swiss Army