"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard."
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
"The Mayan calendar predicts that December 21, 2012 will be the most annoying day on Facebook ever,"
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner
Had the Mayans been any good at predicting the end of the world they would have seen the Spanish coming.
I’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December.
"Tchaikovsky is probably my favorite composer that’s also a sneeze. "
"I'm an expert on Chinese food - when I eat it I only use one chopstick."
Life should have a purpose, however meaningless.
"The colder the x-ray table the more you body is required on it."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
- John Steinbeck
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Onion Jokes: I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
"A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ..."