One-liners

"Is it just me or does the word skeptical look like it's spelled wrong?"

"It used to be all fun and games."
- Cyclops

"Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of nothing."

"Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid."

"Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface."

"Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow, dogs have to wag their tail up and down."
- Sam Snead

"Before they made him they broke the mold."

"If we're not supposed to have midnight snacks, then why is there a light in the fridge?"

"Women don't want to hear what you think.  Women want to hear what they think . . . in a deeper voice."
- Bill Cosby

Thank you…Black Socks with Sandals, for officially declaring to the world, “I've stopped trying.”

"There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data"

"Life is too short to remove usb safely."

"Stop anthropomorphizing tools - they hate it."

"Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Sliced bread: The best thing since ripped up bread."