One-liners

"You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail."

"I love to give homemade gifts - which one of my kids do you want?"

Dear Star Wars: All galaxies are far, far away - could you be more specific?

"The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."

"The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own."

"The worst part about sharing a name with someone famous: you're always telling people, no, I'm not THAT Batman."

The Swiss Army could totally dismantle the Swedish Army if they just added an Allen wrench to their knives.

"Autocorrect: It can be your worst enema."

"I'm excited about the insomnia convention in 2 weeks time: Only 0 sleeps to go!"

"My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper."

"Ask me about my narcissism!"

"A recent survey found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population."

"Retail Therapy should be covered by health insurance."

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon and follow them up with, "Ah I guess you had to be there."

"I used to be a people person but people ruined that for me."