One-liners

"Amish murderers get the acoustic chair."

"Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since."
- Dave Beard

"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve and middle age is when you're forced to."
- Bill Vaughn

"The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?"

"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."

"A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if Cowboy Architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone."

"Chuck Norris is just a dumb actor because if he were some sort of superbeing he'd come to my house and smash my face into my keyboa4egwsdvc8 ohuiblj4g evda zcg 9ob, jlmevda zhoph"

"The stockings were hung by the chimney . . . as a warning to the others."

" When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate - soup was a nightmare."

"I live every day trying to not disappoint the guy who wrote "stay cool" in my jr. high school yearbook."

"Thought I'd buy some my wife some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any."

"I see you're admiring my striped vest," said no one ever.

"Be different, conform!"

"You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Opposites attract, which is why it's horrible to be this handsome."