One-liners

"We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done."

I start everyday with a sit up - I've done over 19,000 so far.

"One: How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?"

"R2D2 was the most foul mouthed movie character of all time - they beeped out every word he said."

Rearrange the letters in SLOT MACHINES and you get CASH LOST IN ME.

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to.

"But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down."

- Mitch Hedberg

AIBOHPHOBIA: (n.) the fear of palindromes

“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.”
- G.K. Chesterton

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Before they made him they broke the mold."

Piñata Store: "You buy it, you break it."

" I was going to go to the Outdoor Wilderness Survival Show, but not in this weather!"

My wife complains that I over-analyze everything but these graphs & charts show that I don't.

Karl Marx Was Wrong: "Angry Birds" is the opiate of the masses.

If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds likes "orange."