One-liners

"I'm super lazy - just like normal lazy, but I wear a cape."

"I'm trying to find myself, but to make it interesting I'm wearing camouflage."

"If you fall, I'll always be there to catch you."
- floor

A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers" to which I replied, "Scissors" and drove away.

"Polar bears can't jump."
- Black bears

"I childproofed my house but they still get in."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Just tell me what you need, and I'll see to it that something ought to be done!"

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Amish murderers get the acoustic chair."

"Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it ever since."
- Dave Beard

"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve and middle age is when you're forced to."
- Bill Vaughn

"The best thing about telepathy is...I know, right?"

"I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one."

"A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if Cowboy Architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone."