One-liners

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
- Mitch Hedberg

"The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels."

"My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will."

"I enjoy your company most when I am by myself."

"It's a good thing your car can't travel at the speed of light - your headlights wouldn't work."

"The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"I intend to live forever; so far, so good."

"Buying stuff online gives me a reason to live for another 5-7 business days."

"Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem."

"Suburbia is where they tear out the trees and name streets after them."

"All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand."

"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends."