One-liners

Camouflauge Training: No one turned up... Oh wait a minute...

You know times are tough when you order a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asks, "Can you afford fries with that?"

"The French don't care what they do as long as they pronounce it properly."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow, dogs have to wag their tail up and down."
- Sam Snead

"Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from a cornfield."
- Dwight D. 'Ike' Eisenhower

"Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses."
- Woody Allen

"Love your enemies, it will drive them nuts."
- Eleanor Doan

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
- Steven Wright

"Some parents have a hard time deciding on a name for the new baby, but others have rich relatives."
- Don McElroy

"While people may not be a great deal wiser after my sermon, but they are always a great deal older."
- W R Inge

"Music hath charms to soothe a savage beast, but I'd rather have a gun."
- Josh Billings

"All this talk about death by chocolate, yet chocolate still roams free."

"Social Media Overload: Whenever I need a moment to myself, I just go to MySpace."

"It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life which enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month."

"Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?"