One-liners

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

"If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?"

"Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?"

"They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!"

"Some days I wake up grouchy and other days I let him sleep in."

"I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!"
- @jimmykimmel

"I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you - it was much cheaper back then."

"I'm a light eater - as soon as it's light, I start to eat."
- Art Donovan

"Women go to the grocery store with a shopping list and men go to the grocery store with an instruction list."

"Some people are motivated by carrots, others by sticks, but nobody is motivated by carrot sticks."

"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."

"The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem."

"Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?"

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."
- David Richerby

"It must be unbearably distracting to talk to young people if your name is Like."