One-liners

"I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you - it was much cheaper back then."

"I'm a light eater - as soon as it's light, I start to eat."
- Art Donovan

"Women go to the grocery store with a shopping list and men go to the grocery store with an instruction list."

"Some people are motivated by carrots, others by sticks, but nobody is motivated by carrot sticks."

"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."

"The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem."

"Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?"

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."
- David Richerby

"It must be unbearably distracting to talk to young people if your name is Like."

The idea of becoming a totally paperless office looks good on paper.

Binary Barb: What part of 01001110 01101111 don't you understand?

Papering Over The Truth: It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

"I do have washboard abs - they just happen to have a little laundry on them at the moment."

"Some people have a way with words, others not have way."

"Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Twitter."