One-liners

"I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you - it was much cheaper back then."

"I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!"

"The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic."

Buy a parrot and teach him how to say this one thing: "Help! they transformed me into a parrot, help me!!"

"It is better to own a politician than be one."

"I have not yet begun to procrastinate."

"Wow, Costco has a great deal on the tires for my car. Too bad they sell them in packs of 64 tires."
- @danrutledge1

"If life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic."

"A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience."

"Today's helpful tip: Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard."

"I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you."

"Compromise: an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted."

"I think my smart phone is broken.... I pressed my home button but I'm still at work."

A bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS."

"When I was born I was so lazy, my parents had to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day."