One-liners

People at my workplace have started a funny new tradition where they put names on food in the office fridge - today I ate sandwich called Mark.

"Half the people you know are below average."

"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: 'How can I get in on that?'"
- Dave Barry

"Human Relations: For every action, there is a corresponding overreaction."

Camouflauge Training: No one turned up... Oh wait a minute...

You know times are tough when you order a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asks, "Can you afford fries with that?"

"The French don't care what they do as long as they pronounce it properly."
- George Bernard Shaw

"Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow, dogs have to wag their tail up and down."
- Sam Snead

"Farming looks easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from a cornfield."
- Dwight D. 'Ike' Eisenhower

"Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses."
- Woody Allen

"Love your enemies, it will drive them nuts."
- Eleanor Doan

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
- Steven Wright

"Some parents have a hard time deciding on a name for the new baby, but others have rich relatives."
- Don McElroy