One-liners

"Chuck Norris is just a dumb actor because if he were some sort of superbeing he'd come to my house and smash my face into my keyboa4egwsdvc8 ohuiblj4g evda zcg 9ob, jlmevda zhoph"

"The stockings were hung by the chimney . . . as a warning to the others."

" When I was younger I had everything handed to me on a plate - soup was a nightmare."

"I live every day trying to not disappoint the guy who wrote "stay cool" in my jr. high school yearbook."

"Thought I'd buy some my wife some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any."

"I see you're admiring my striped vest," said no one ever.

"Be different, conform!"

"You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."
- Mitch Hedberg

"Opposites attract, which is why it's horrible to be this handsome."

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
- Mitch Hedberg

"The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels."

"My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will."

"I enjoy your company most when I am by myself."

"It's a good thing your car can't travel at the speed of light - your headlights wouldn't work."

"The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it."