One-liners

"There are two things I hate: Racists and the Portugese."
- Dave Cook 

"If aliens saw us picking up after our dogs while walking in the park, who will they think is the dominant species?"

"Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?"

"If you could watch my life backwards, you'd see a Jenny Craig success story."

"All's well that ends     "

"Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on."

"Debit card goes in, cash comes out. YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT."

"While watching a marathon I saw one runner dressed as a chicken & another dressed as an egg . . . this could be interesting.:

"Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?"

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

"If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in a boat?"

"Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?"

"They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!"

"Some days I wake up grouchy and other days I let him sleep in."

"I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!"
- @jimmykimmel