One-liners

"I think my smart phone is broken.... I pressed my home button but I'm still at work."

A bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS."

"When I was born I was so lazy, my parents had to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day."

"A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory."

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads."
- Chris Needles

"The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower."

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
- Steven Wright

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

I'd like Google Maps a lot more if it were Google Naps.

"Today, I diversified my portfolio - I buried half in a Folgers can in the front yard and the rest in a Ziplock out back."

"I just checked the health/weight chart at the gym and it turns out that I'm four inches too short."

"Procrastination gives you something to look forward to."

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, "This place obviously wasn't named by a real-estate developer."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to exit this airplane."
- Unknown flight attendant.