One-liners

"Today, I diversified my portfolio - I buried half in a Folgers can in the front yard and the rest in a Ziplock out back."

"I just checked the health/weight chart at the gym and it turns out that I'm four inches too short."

"Procrastination gives you something to look forward to."

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, "This place obviously wasn't named by a real-estate developer."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to exit this airplane."
- Unknown flight attendant.

"My own credit ranking is determined by the Poor's division of Standard & Poor's."

"If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys;but if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!!"

"Planet of the Apes: I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth."

"Money isn't everything - just look at Henry Ford with all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!"

"The easiest way for me to tell if people are really listening to me is if they roll their eyes."

"Don't play stupid with me - I always win."

"The only thing to fear is fear itself... and spiders."

"The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with."

"I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned."