One-liners

"Wow, Costco has a great deal on the tires for my car. Too bad they sell them in packs of 64 tires."
- @danrutledge1

"If life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic."

"A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience."

"Today's helpful tip: Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard."

"I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you."

"Compromise: an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted."

"I think my smart phone is broken.... I pressed my home button but I'm still at work."

A bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS."

"When I was born I was so lazy, my parents had to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day."

"A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory."

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads."
- Chris Needles

"The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower."

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
- Steven Wright

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

I'd like Google Maps a lot more if it were Google Naps.