One-liners

"Before they made him they broke the mold."

Piñata Store: "You buy it, you break it."

" I was going to go to the Outdoor Wilderness Survival Show, but not in this weather!"

My wife complains that I over-analyze everything but these graphs & charts show that I don't.

Karl Marx Was Wrong: "Angry Birds" is the opiate of the masses.

If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds likes "orange."

"I'm super lazy - just like normal lazy, but I wear a cape."

"I'm trying to find myself, but to make it interesting I'm wearing camouflage."

"If you fall, I'll always be there to catch you."
- floor

A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers" to which I replied, "Scissors" and drove away.

"Polar bears can't jump."
- Black bears

"I childproofed my house but they still get in."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Just tell me what you need, and I'll see to it that something ought to be done!"

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."