One-liners

"I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don't think I need that."

- Jay Leno

"I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster."

"I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top."

"I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?"

"I don't know why, but I've always found it difficult to make friends; know what I mean, Stupid?"

"I don't know, I'm not in shape yet."

~ Yogi Berra (when asked his cap size)

"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't even pretend to know all the questions. Hey look, a Milk Dud!"

"I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic."

"I fly a lot but I go to only about half as many places as my luggage does."

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"

- Kathleen Madigan

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."

"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks."

- James H. Boren

"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years."

"I had amnesia once -- or twice."

"I hated to graduate from High School - it was the happiest ten years of my life."