One-liners

"I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't even pretend to know all the questions. Hey look, a Milk Dud!"

"I feel sorry for the guy who has to play the world's smallest violin - everybody just thinks he's being sarcastic."

"I fly a lot but I go to only about half as many places as my luggage does."

"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"

- Kathleen Madigan

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."

"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks."

- James H. Boren

"I had a muscle twitching yesterday - that's the most exercise I've had in years."

"I had amnesia once -- or twice."

"I hated to graduate from High School - it was the happiest ten years of my life."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a good one."

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."

- Jackie Mason

"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'"

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all."

"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."

"I keep trying to ostracize people but I can't get their attention."