One-liners

"I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again."

- Dennis Leary

"I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching and that really freaks me out, you know?"

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money."

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains."

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home tomorrow."

~ Margaret Smith

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. "

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."

"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."

"I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis."

I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me. My insurance company is Calvary Trust.

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead."

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes."

"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

~Groucho Marx