One-liners

An iphone in a woman's hand. A hacker just called me and said he has all my passwords ... I jumped up, grabbed a pen and paper, and said, "Thank goodness! What are they?"

A woman with a blue shirt and a long braid looking up, hands raised head-height in a gesture of great excitement. People who say their wedding day was the best day ever have clearly never had two KitKats fall out of a vending machine.

A blonde haired young woman in a fancy red dress sitting on the arm of a Queen Anne style chair. The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really quite complex - and to be honest with you, I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you in very simple terms.

A young man wearing a baseball cap backwards, sitting on a concrete wall looking out toward his left. One day you will want to send me money but you will find me rich and I won't accept it - so use this opportunity now.

A man watching TV as viewed from behind the man. Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile ... I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

A young woman with curly hair, head tilted to one side, looking directly at us. Studies show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that ... I didn't read the whole article.

A man with glasses sitting on a couch, his forearms on his knees, looking directly at us. My wife wanted a vacation, but I wanted a staycation, so we compromised and had an altercation.

A black man in a pink and blue wide-striped shirt, one eyebrow raised. My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great;" I replied, "No, you're great" - she's been in a great mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often.

A young man with spikey hair covering up a big yawn with his left hand. When I was a kid, bedtime was 9pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted ... turns out that's 9pm.

A head-shot of a man in his early thirties, full beard, looking directly at us. I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something; I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

Exercise One-liners

A vintage black rotary phone. One invention that was more important than the first telephone was definitely ... the second telephone.

A close-up black and white image of a black man, arms folded staring directly at us. My boss said I intimidate my coworkers; so I stared at him until he apologized.

A woman with a blue shirt and a long braid pointing up indicating she has a good idea. One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. I they laugh, you're young; if they panic, you're old.

Black and white photo of a man in his early 60's, short beard looking off to the side as if thinking something through. At my funeral, I would like there to be a piñata so people can be happy ... but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

An elderly couple walking along the street holding hands. Funny thing about marriage is I would 100%, without a doubt, take bullet for my wife; but I can also say, 100%without a doubt, she'd be the reason we were getting shot at in the first place.

One-liners

One-Liner #1947

One-Liner #1946

One-Liner #1945

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One-Liner #1942

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One-Liner #1939

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One-Liner #1934

One-Liner #1933