One-liners

One of my friends told me I make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was a hurtful thing to say, and it ruined our bath.

My wife gave me an envelope marked, "Not to be opened until 2026" ... Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

There are three kinds of men: 

• the one that learns by reading,
• the few who learn by observation;

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

- Will Rogers

I wish my life had background music so I could at least know if I'm in a drama, comedy, or horror show.

Some things are better left unsaid, which I often realize after I say them.

My September goal is to be less condescending.

(Condescending means to talk down to people.)

I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

Told my kids I couldn't find the hot cocoa powder to which my four year old said, "Maybe someone took it and hid it behind my bed" which is a suspiciously specific theory.

If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they are not actually interested in your opinion; I know that now...

When I was little, I remember they only played old-people music in the supermarkets; but today when I went to whole Foods, they were playing all the songs I love.

If cats could text you back ... they wouldn't.

Old age is a thing ... Last night I was in bed for 20 minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough downstairs; then I remembered I came to my room to get my wallet.

Parenthood turns you into a morning person the same way being chased by a bear makes you a runner.

My phone has this cool app that shows me what I look like as an old person - it's called ... a camera.

The fishing was so bad even the liars didn't catch anything.