One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A close-up photo of a young woman looking directly at us, head resting on her palm, fingers curled into her cheek.We're really out here living the most difficult section of someone's 2060 history exam.

A man in a short-sleeved green shirt with a blue tie and light brown pants sitting on the grass with legs outstretched.If you fill a piñata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party again.

A photo of a group of about 30 white and brown hunting dogs standing on dirt in the woods.I started a company where you can borrow hunting dogs for the afternoon; it's called, "We Lease the Hounds!"

A woman with a long braid and a blue shirt, holding her chin & looking up to her left, thinking.I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded,

"For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer."

A young man with a red & brown checked shirt, hands behind his head, looking at us in surprise.Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

An elderly woman walking along a street looking off to her left.I went to the doctor thinking I had arthritis ... He said it's early onset rigor mortis.

A middle-aged man in the middle of a big lawn.Me and my wife used to fall asleep watching movies together; now we fall asleep trying to pick one.

A close-up of strawberries on a counter - stems still on, uncut, piled high.A neighbor suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries. Tried it. I'm going back to heavy cream!

A man in a striped shirt, looking directly at us with hands raised in a shrug.I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

A young woman with crazy hair and a stressed expression.Me: What could possibly go wrong?"

Anxiety: "Sit down; I made a PowerPoint."

Two hands reading a braille book."Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

A young girl wearing a white top, a jean skirt and pink boots with her back toward us swinging on a wooden swing.Remember when we used to jump out of the swing mid-air ... I miss those knees.

A bicycle built for two, being ridden by two young women.If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs, "ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?"

A black and white photo of a man in his 30s, with glasses and a close-cropped beard, looking off to his left, thinking.It's weird that I trust my left hand to drive but not to eat cereal.

An Asian woman with long dark hair, wearing a red dress, pointing toward us with a grin and a wink.FOUND: If you lost a wad of $20s wrapped in a rubber band, I found your rubber band.

  1. One-Liner #2015
  2. One-Liner #2014
  3. One-Liner #2013
  4. One-Liner #2012

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