One-liners

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I just bought my coworker a "get better soon" card. They aren't sick, I just think they could do better.

I made my wife's dreams come true and we got married in a castle - but you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

Life is like a game of chess; I don't know how to play chess.

They say "the machines of the future" will be as smart as people ... OK, but WHICH people? Because it kinda matters quite a bit.

Paleontologists recently unearthed the largest tibia ever recorded ...

It was quite the shindig.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they're having fun; your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life ... because that field isn't hiring.

My husband just fixed all of my anxiety... He said, "Just don't worry about it" and I can't believe I didn't think of that myself.

According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only 3 days until Christmas.

Holiday Safety Tip:

If your birth year starts with 19, you should no longer wrap gifts on the floor.

Not saying I'm old, but ... When I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

I dance like people wish they weren't watching.

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.