One-liners

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Me: What could possibly go wrong?"

Anxiety: "Sit down; I made a PowerPoint."

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swing mid-air ... I miss those knees.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs, "ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?"

It's weird that I trust my left hand to drive but not to eat cereal.

FOUND: If you lost a wad of $20s wrapped in a rubber band, I found your rubber band.

I think the universe knew I would be too powerful if I could do math.

Survival Tip: If zombies attack, go to Costco - there are cement walls, years worth of food, and tons of supplies. Plus, zombies can't get in without a membership.

If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

People's IQs should be presented like the weather:

Actual IQ: 97
Feels like: 72

Sometimes people come into your life - and they need to stop doing that.

Sometimes tough parenting requires that you tell your kids that they need to clean their rooms before they can have a donut, while you sit eating donuts yelling, "Hurry, they are almost gone!"

If you ever think English is not a weird language just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

Life is simpler when you're nonchalant; as soon as you start chalanting, it all goes sideways.