One-liners

After 50 you're like an old phone battery; even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10am you're at 60%.

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong; I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

My wife is so far out of my league that the cashier put one of those plastic grocery dividers between our stuff like we weren't even together.

I've taken so many "before" photos when starting new diets that now I just have a slideshow of myself getting fatter.

We're really out here living the most difficult section of someone's 2060 history exam.

If you fill a piñata with ketchup, you never have to host a children's birthday party again.

I started a company where you can borrow hunting dogs for the afternoon; it's called, "We Lease the Hounds!"

I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded,

"For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer."

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife's plans for the second time.

I went to the doctor thinking I had arthritis ... He said it's early onset rigor mortis.

Me and my wife used to fall asleep watching movies together; now we fall asleep trying to pick one.

A neighbor suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries. Tried it. I'm going back to heavy cream!

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Me: What could possibly go wrong?"

Anxiety: "Sit down; I made a PowerPoint."

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.