One-liners

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

1. I ate my friend's lunch.
2. I ate my friend's colon.

Susan works all day holding your seldom used spices and twirling around whenever you need her and you have the audacity to call her lazy.

The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down.

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

Being an adult just means you don't get rewarded anymore when you eat all your food. My nephew ate two chicken fingers and got rewarded with ice cream. I ate 5 and my mom said, "I thought you were on a diet!"

When I was your age, the internet went SKAWEEEE ReWeeert BeeDong BeeDoNG TsCHCHCHCH.

Seen in a riding barn:

For fast riders, we have fast horses;
For slow riders, we have slow horses;
For those who have never ridden, we have horses that have never been ridden.

I'm not totally useless ... I can be used as a bad example.

I just heard my neighbor crying which means unfortunately she could probably hear me singing monster mash in different voices.

If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it, just make your last post something fun like, "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home - like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.

Mind-blowing - Every "C" in Pacific Ocean is pronounced differently.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive ... they would eventually find me attractive.

I'm awake, but in the same way that a single bar of WIFI is "connected."

The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move and yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.