One-liners

The fact that most captchas are based on robots not being able to identify bikes or traffic lights doesn't fill me with confidence for self-driving cars.

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn.

My sweet wife got me a simple metal bracelet with the first initials of our kids on it.

Now I lay on the side of the road, paramedics working on me, as I silently think about Donna, Nick, and Rachel.

It's like my mom always told me ... "You might not be the dumbest guy in the world, but you better hope he doesn't die."

I saw a chameleon today, so I guess it was a pretty bad chameleon.

My dad was always a "If you got up there on your own, you can get down on your own" sort of man. 

Fantastic father! Terrible air traffic controller.

I just saw a pack of gummy worms that said, "No artificial flavors." Who is out there buying gummy worms hoping they taste like real worms??

My wife is so much better looking than me that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

I pretended to be asleep and then I fell asleep. Now I'm going to pretend I'm skinny. I'll let you know if it works.

I hate it when people think they are so intelligent and start talking about Mozart when they haven't even seen one of his paintings.

Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.

On the first day of my flying lessons, I looked down nervously and asked my instructor, "What are all these buttons for?"

He said, "Those are to keep your shirt closed."

To everyone who wrote "stay cool" in my high school yearbook - I have some devastating news...

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand ... It's seven.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.