One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

Two people sitting facing one another, nothing between them, talking to one another.At a job interview I was asked if i was a gossip; I said, "No, but I can tell you who is."

A middle-aged woman sitting outdoors, looking directly at us with a dead-pan expression.I'm writing a book on reverse psychology; please DO NOT buy it.

A young man in a red checked shirt, hands clasped behind his head looking shocked.Been renovating my place ... and when I knocked down a wall, I found a secret, fully furnished room!! Then I remembered ... we live in a duplex.

A young woman with curly hair, head tilted to one side, looking directly up and to her left, tongue in cheek.Incorrectly is the only word that, when spelled correctly, is still spelled incorrectly.

A man wearing a hat, standing in front of a blank wall, coffee cup raised, head cocked to one side with a self-satisfied expression.A lot of women say their husbands never listen to them; I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say that.

A large man with glasses and a thin goatee looking down at us.Every time I try to eat healthy along comes Thanksgiving, Christmas, Wednesday or Friday to mess me up.

A young man in a striped shirt shrugging with his palms up.I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning; I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

A woman sitting on the beach, leaning against a rock, eyes closed contentedly.If laziness were an Olympic sport, I would come in 4th just so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

A black and white image of a man looking off to the side, thinking.One of my friends told me I make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was a hurtful thing to say, and it ruined our bath.

A young man with a top-bun and folded arms in front of a wall of grafitti.My wife gave me an envelope marked, "Not to be opened until 2026" ... Inside was a list of reasons why I can't be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

A man with a woolen hat leaning his arms on a wooden gate in the middle of a field.There are three kinds of men: 

  • the one that learns by reading,
  • the few who learn by observation;

The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

- Will Rogers

A young woman sitting at a table with her head resting on her right hand.I wish my life had background music so I could at least know if I'm in a drama, comedy, or horror show.

A woman in a blue shirt with a long braid looking very sad.Some things are better left unsaid, which I often realize after I say them.

A young woman sitting at a desk in a blue blazer and blue necktie looking directly at us with a smile.My September goal is to be less condescending.

(Condescending means to talk down to people.)

A man wearing yellow toned clothes and a blue tie, sitting on the grass with straight legs, leaning back on his hands.I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

  1. One-Liner #1955
  2. One-Liner #1954
  3. One-Liner #1953
  4. One-Liner #1952

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