One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A young man wearing a baseball cap backwards, sitting on a concrete wall looking out toward his left.One day you will want to send me money but you will find me rich and I won't accept it - so use this opportunity now.

A man watching TV as viewed from behind the man.Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile ... I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

A young woman with curly hair, head tilted to one side, looking directly at us.Studies show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that ... I didn't read the whole article.

A man with glasses sitting on a couch, his forearms on his knees, looking directly at us. My wife wanted a vacation, but I wanted a staycation, so we compromised and had an altercation.

A black man in a pink and blue wide-striped shirt, one eyebrow raised.My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great;" I replied, "No, you're great" - she's been in a great mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often.

A young man with spikey hair covering up a big yawn with his left hand.When I was a kid, bedtime was 9pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted ... turns out that's 9pm.

A head-shot of a man in his early thirties, full beard, looking directly at us.I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something; I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.

A vintage black rotary phone.One invention that was more important than the first telephone was definitely ... the second telephone.

A close-up black and white image of a black man, arms folded staring directly at us.My boss said I intimidate my coworkers; so I stared at him until he apologized.

A woman with a blue shirt and a long braid pointing up indicating she has a good idea.One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. I they laugh, you're young; if they panic, you're old.

Black and white photo of a man in his early 60's, short beard looking off to the side as if thinking something through.At my funeral, I would like there to be a piñata so people can be happy ... but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

An elderly couple walking along the street holding hands.Funny thing about marriage is I would 100%, without a doubt, take bullet for my wife; but I can also say, 100%without a doubt, she'd be the reason we were getting shot at in the first place.

Young man sitting on a concrete wall in front of a brick building.Sometimes I use big words I don't understand to make myself look more photosynthesis.

A large man with glasses and a thin goatee looking down at us.My wife told me I've grown as a person ... her actual words were "You've gotten fat" but I know what she meant.

A black horse reaching its head and neck into the shot.The 'back' in horseback riding is probably unnecessary.

  1. One-Liner #1929
  2. One-Liner #1928
  3. One-Liner #1916
  4. One-Liner #1927

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