One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A woman in a blue shirt with a long braid looking very sad.Some things are better left unsaid, which I often realize after I say them.

A young woman sitting at a desk in a blue blazer and blue necktie looking directly at us with a smile.My September goal is to be less condescending.

(Condescending means to talk down to people.)

A man wearing yellow toned clothes and a blue tie, sitting on the grass with straight legs, leaning back on his hands.I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

Young woman with curly hair looking up and to her left with a bright orange background.Told my kids I couldn't find the hot cocoa powder to which my four year old said, "Maybe someone took it and hid it behind my bed" which is a suspiciously specific theory.

A young man in a striped shirt shrugging with his palms up.If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they are not actually interested in your opinion; I know that now...

An old man with a white shirt, looking directly at us with a small smile, sitting in an outdoor picnic area in the shade.When I was little, I remember they only played old-people music in the supermarkets; but today when I went to whole Foods, they were playing all the songs I love.

Close up of a grey cat's face with bright blue eyes.If cats could text you back ... they wouldn't.

An old white man sitting in the shade at an outdoor picnic area.Old age is a thing ... Last night I was in bed for 20 minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough downstairs; then I remembered I came to my room to get my wallet.

A black man in a pink and blue wide-striped shirt, one eyebrow raised.Parenthood turns you into a morning person the same way being chased by a bear makes you a runner.

An iphone in a woman's hand with the screen displaying all the apps.My phone has this cool app that shows me what I look like as an old person - it's called ... a camera.

A photo of a fishing rod and the hand that holds it as someone fishes in a calm lake.The fishing was so bad even the liars didn't catch anything.

An iphone in a woman's hand.A hacker just called me and said he has all my passwords ... I jumped up, grabbed a pen and paper, and said, "Thank goodness! What are they?"

A woman with a blue shirt and a long braid looking up, hands raised head-height in a gesture of great excitement.People who say their wedding day was the best day ever have clearly never had two KitKats fall out of a vending machine.

A blonde haired young woman in a fancy red dress sitting on the arm of a Queen Anne style chair.The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really quite complex - and to be honest with you, I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you in very simple terms.

A young man wearing a baseball cap backwards, sitting on a concrete wall looking out toward his left.One day you will want to send me money but you will find me rich and I won't accept it - so use this opportunity now.

  1. One-Liner #1943
  2. One-Liner #1942
  3. One-Liner #1941
  4. One-Liner #1940

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