One-liners

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream.

I understand why we need warning labels on products but I think they should start including the back story of why the warning was necessary ... just to spice things up.

If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

The 'ea' in 'tea' is silent.

At some point you will find someone who is obsessed with you and wants all your time; that person is your manager at work.

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever ... we call those people cops.

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes; that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

Learning English: Before was was was, was was is.