Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands I'll take you on your birthday!" ... we're spending 3 weeks behind the couch.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
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I really must apologize for my tardiness; I got here as soon as I wanted to.
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I saw a woman in a parking lot crying because she lost $200 ... I felt so bad for her, I gave her $40 from the $200 I had just found in that parking lot.
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I believe in you ... I also believe in bigfoot so don't get too excited.
Did you know that if you garden in your back yard naked, your neighbors will build you a privacy fence for absolutely no cost to you.
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My life coach just informed me I didn't make the team!
I have a perfect body - but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.
If God can make a bug's butt light up, think of what He can do for you!
I wish my life had background music so I could understand what is going on.
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Arguing with me is pointless - I realized I was wrong 10 minutes ago and now I'm just trying to make you mad.
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An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
When one door closes another one opens; other than that it's a pretty good car.
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Motherhood taught me just how far I can let myself go and still be okay with it.
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I hate hotel bath towels ... so thick and fluffy I can't even close my suitcase!
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If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?
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