One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A man in his 40s, clean shaven with glasses, sitting on a couch looking directly at us.If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

Close up of a dryer door.Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

Woman with fists clenched, both arms in the air, elbows bent, teeth gritted and crazy eyes.I had my patience tested; I'm negative.

High fore-headed man with full grey beard and glasses sitting under his nose looking directly at us.The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Older man looking to the side wistfully.I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

Middle-aged woman with short blonde hair sitting in a grassy field looking directly at us with a smile.When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

A man in his thirties, eyes closed, standing up and half covering his mouth while he yawns.It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

A man sitting at a table covered in items to sell, asleep with his head on his arms.Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

A graphic of a man wearing prison stripes holding the bars of his cell.When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

Man with glasses sitting forward on a couch with his elbows on his knees holding a book and looking at the camera.Someone just accused me of plagiarism; their words, not mine.

AI generated image of a body under a sheet with only the feet visible. The room is dark and it is from the perspective of someone standing at the head.Okay, this is a little more than one sentence, but it is a zinger!

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

close up of man with sun glasses smiling and looking off to the left.I changed my car horn to a gunshot sound; people move out of the way a lot faster now.

Woman in blue blouse and one long braid with both hands over her mouth and big eyes.I don't usually brag about going to expensive places, but ...  I just left the gas station.

Middle-aged woman with shoulder length blond hair and a smile on a sunny day in a grassy park.I am now "take-a-picture-of-labels-with-my-phone-so-I-can-blow-it-up-bigger-and-read-it" years old.

Young woman sitting at an open bay window looking out into the forested area just outside.People who ask me what I'm doing tomorrow probably assume that I even know what day of the week it is.

  1. One-Liner #1853
  2. One-Liner #1852
  3. One-Liner #1851
  4. One-Liner #1850

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