"A bookstore is one of the only piece of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
- Jerry Seinfeld
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
The worst part about not buying snacks so you won't eat snacks is not having snacks when you need a lil snack!
It's strange there is a setting on every toaster to completely burn the bread.
I never understood how the little drummer boy's parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
December weather is more confusing than trying to untangle rainbow Christmas lights.
December is the month to “sleigh” the holiday decorations!
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict; so I'm going home for the hollandaise.
I can't keep calm; I'm Scottish!
A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion. But doesn't.
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back but when you do, there's the running and the screaming...
When you think about the vastness of space and how enormous our galaxy is and how big our planet is and how small we are, I'm not really eating all that much cheese.
Due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.
Deep thought of the day:
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.
I recently bought a toilet brush .... Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.