One-liners

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

I recently bought a toilet brush .... Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

I hate it when I see some old person and then realize we went to high school together.

My wife tells me I can be an idiot sometimes; I think it's pretty cool of her to give me permission like that...

Education is important, but good ice cream is importanter.

Just heard my knee crack so loud I expected it to glow in the dark.

(How to politely tell someone they are not very bright.)

Wisdom has always been chasing you, but you have always been faster.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer.

My superpower is holding on to stuff for years and throwing it away exactly one week before I need it.

So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV ... apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.

Always order two coffees ... to make your second donut look like it's for someone else. 

Next time a stranger talks to you when you're alone, just look at them shocked and whisper, "You can see me?"

Our child has a great deal of willpower - and even more won't power.

- Red Skelton

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo - seems like a very low number of rodeos.

Dogs prepare you for babies; cats prepare you for teenagers.