One-liners

I'm gonna spend Valentine's Day with my ex... Box 360.

250 pounds here on Earth is only 94.5 pounds on Mercury. I'm not fat, I'm just not on the right planet.

Hearing problems run in my family on my mother's side; both my father and my step-father were deaf on my mother's side.

The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.

"No comment" is a comment.

- George Carlin

I got to the office earlier and switched the M and N keys on every keyboard I could. Some in my office will say that I am a monster, but others will say that I am a nomster!

"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain."

- Graham Norton

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.

"You know what my bedtime story was when I was a kid? Darkness!"

- Jerry Seinfeld

Don't ask a girl where she wants to go for dinner ... tell her to guess where you're taking her to eat, and then take her to her first guess!

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

My resolution for 2023 is to buy Bitcoin in 2011.

The biggest reason to stay up until midnight on December 31 is to make sure 2022 leaves.

Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

"I don't have an advent calendar so I'm just going around opening cupboard doors and eating what I find in there."