Always borrow money from a pessimist; he won't expect it back.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
The term "domestic housewife" implies that there are feral housewives, and now I have a new goal!
People know you for what you've done, not what you plan to do.
Do you give as much energy to your dreams as you do to your fears?
"You gotta try your luck at least once a day, because you could be going around lucky all day and not even know it."
- Jimmy Dean
The man who moves mountains begins by carrying away small stones.
I haven't failed, I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point ... the glass is refillable.
"If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them."
- Reese Witherspoon
I can is 100 times more important than IQ.
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I'd have $6.30 right now.
Want to know what worry really is? A waste of time.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
I'm gonna spend Valentine's Day with my ex... Box 360.
250 pounds here on Earth is only 94.5 pounds on Mercury. I'm not fat, I'm just not on the right planet.