One-liners

I just bought this new TV and it says, "Built in Antenna;" I don't even know where that is.

I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's a second passenger who is not wearing their seatbelt.

Sadly, I do most of my proof-reading after I hit sned.

Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.

The older I get the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years; maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.

I asked my mom if I was adopted ... she said, “Not yet, but we placed an ad.”

- Dana Snow

It's amazing how the sentence "don't believe everything you read on the internet" is the same backwards as it is forwards.

When something goes wrong in your life, just say "Plot Twist!" and move on.

Life is like a roller coaster picture: scary at the moment, fun to look back on.

One day you'll be thankful things didn't work out the way you want them to.

Some days you eat salad and work out; some days you have cupcakes and pizza. It's called balance.

I wish I were a little kid so I can just take a nap and everyone will be proud of me.

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."

- Reba McEntire

Money talks; chocolate sings!

The IRS! They're like the Mafia - they can take anything they want!

- Jerry Seinfeld