One-liners

My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.

- Smug Lemur

I always tell my kids that if you fart on Santa's lap, he's required by North Pole law to bring you two of everything you ask for.

- Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22

Holiday lights should be festive, while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.

- Charles Lake

A perfectly managed Christmas correct in every detail is a sure sign of someone who hasn't enough to do.

- Katherine Whitehorn

"I don't exercise; if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

- Joan Rivers

There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

- Spencer Tracy

"The city should hire the guy that salts the fries at McDonalds to do the roads!"

- unknown

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

- George Carlin

I would imagine if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

- Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day.

- Mitch Hedburg

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they'll want to use it.

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her … or something like that.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Relationships are a lot like algebra ... have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?