If you can't think of a word, say, "I forgot the English word for it;" that way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Telling someone to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.
Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked - so NEVER sing in the shower!
Common sense is not a gift - it's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.
Hold on while I over think this.
Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
One minute you're young and fun - the next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.
Never laugh at your spouse's choices; you are one of them.
My spouse says I have two faults; I don't listen and ... something else.
I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.
Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.
I don't have grey hair; I have wisdom highlights!
You don't realize how old you are until you get down on the floor and then try to get back up.
When they said, "History repeats itself," I wasn't expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.