One-liners

It's weird being the same age as old people.

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned!

Ring your doorbell on your way to bed; this will clear the dogs off of the bed just long enough for you to get comfortable.

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Friday.

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Chocolate is God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

"I may not be that funny or athletic or good-looking or smart or talented ... I forgot where I was going with this..."

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you ... your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

If 2021 was a math word problem:

If you're going down a river at 2 mph and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

I ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons and tomatoes... really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese ... FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?

When you think about it, it's the worst possible place for her to sell seashells.