One-liners

Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself - nobody checks.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough."

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to "fall asleep right now."

I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October ... I call it my jingle bell rock.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink; turns out it was the refrigerator.

I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me!

Went shopping while hungry; now I'm the proud owner of aisle 6.

I don't have grey hair; I have wisdom highlights.

Do we even need Halloween anymore - I've been wearing a mask and eating candy for 18 months...

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness; I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

Having a weird mom builds character.

My wife told me I was immature this morning; so I told her to get out of my fort!

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

- K. Vonnegut

I always say "Thank you" to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I'm nice.