One-liners

Overweight: Living beyond your seams.

Marriage is like strong horseradish; you can praise it and still have tears in your eyes.

The perfect gift for a wife who has everything - a husband who can pay for it!

There's one thing about being bald - it's neat!

My husband and I have a magical relationship - whenever I ask him to do something, he disappears!

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library on Friday.

One of the hardest decisions in life is when to start middle age.

If you're such a good cook, why do we have to pray before every meal?

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

- Rodney Dangerfield

Not saying I live in a rough area, but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!

I'm only talking to my dog today.

Here I am - now what are your other two wishes?

The first Christmas was pretty simple ... it's okay if yours is too.

The time has come to rise above principles!

Let us do for a second time what we refused to do at first; this will avoid setting a precedent.