She drives a vehicle that costs $1,000 a mile ... a shopping cart.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
She calls her car "flattery" because it gets her nowhere.
Overheard: Young bride to friend ...
"I'm glad my parents chose my husband for me; I'd hate to think I'd picked him myself."
He who hesitates is interrupted!
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.
If at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment!
The only problem with buying a book on amnesia is that you are likely to forget where you put it!
You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers.
A dog's life wouldn't be too bad … all a dog has to worry about is the toilet seat falling on it's head.
It's not a sin to be rich … it's a miracle!
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Fred Allen
You know it's going to be a bad day when your twin brother forgets your birthday.
Pick a winner; anyone can pick a loser.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright
"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
- Jerry Seinfeld