One-liners

Self-Annihilating Description

Not having to get there is as good as a day in the country.

Self-annihilating Description

From here on down, it's uphill all the way.

Self-annihilating Command

Men, women, and children first.

Self-annihilating Command

Authorized parking is forbidden!

Self-annihilating Command

Ignore this sign!

If everything goes perfectly, something's wrong.

The only attitude I trust is skepticism.

While these results may seem rather trivial, their importance cannot be underestimated.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Home-Schooling Update:

My child just said, "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year."

The Five Symptoms of Laziness:

1. 

The next time your wife gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and say, "Now you're SUPER ANGRY!"  Maybe she'll laugh; maybe you'll die.

Whoever decided a Liquor Store is more essential than a Hair Salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

If the schools are closed for too long, the parents are gonna find a vaccine before the scientists!

Commercials in 2030:

Were you or someone you know overly exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol or bleach during the 2020 Corona virus pandemic? You may be eligible for compensation!