One-liners

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

I pretend to work; they pretend to pay me.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

Ambivialent? Well, yes and no.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Therapy is expensive; poppin' bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up!

Marriage Tip:

"Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that  . . .

'This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.'"

Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

"Male reindeer lose their antlers in winter and females don't, so Santa's sleigh is actually pulled by a team of women . . . of course it is."