One-liners

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil ...

Hormel Foods made their first batch of Spam in 1937. With everyone out shopping and hoarding food they have announced they will be making their second batch later this week ...

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that when I pee it cleans the toilet!

Friendly checkout clerk... thanks for keeping me that way!

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks!

Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly, next week: turn signals!!!

You! Off my planet!

Whisper my favorite words, "I'll buy it for you."

Meandering to a different drummer.

Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.

Nice perfume; must you marinate in it??

If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.