One-liners

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon - I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password; we'll see who's overdramatic in about 5 minutes.

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen; he sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need, not all this, "How did you get in my house" nonsense.

I just got kicked out of the flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing rule had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week, I'm beginning to think there are people who live here that I haven't met yet.

My wife is singing in the house; I'm sitting outside so the neighbors don't think I'm hitting her.

"I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot."

- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm the type of wife that will help my husband look for his chocolate, that I ate.

My going out clothes have missed me so much; I put them on yesterday and they hugged me so tightly I couldn't move!

When a teenager is watching TV, listening to her music, and talking on the phone, she is probably doing her homework.

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
– Steven Wright

Behind every successful working woman is an enormous pile of laundry!

She has the personality of a dial tone.

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.