The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the parkade; that is wrong on so many levels.
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is "Goodbye."
I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
- Mitch Hedberg
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the heck is really going on down there? Who is the real hero?
- Mitch Hedberg
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Crime in multi-storey car parks - that is wrong on so many different levels."
- Tim Vine
The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.
I like work; it fascinates me ... I can sit and look at it for hours.
- Jerome K. Jerome
Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.
- Morris Kline
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving; you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
We have enough youth ... how about a Fountain of Smart?