One-liners

My company is better at making sun-screen than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in!

It takes alot of balls to golf the way I do!

When someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

- Mitch Hedberg

"You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out."

- Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't think of a word, say, "I forgot the English word for it;" that way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

Telling someone to calm down is about like baptizing a cat.

Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked - so NEVER sing in the shower!

Common sense is not a gift - it's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

Hold on while I over think this.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

One minute you're young and fun - the next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

Never laugh at your spouse's choices; you are one of them.

My spouse says I have two faults; I don't listen and ... something else.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.